Pushing my good friend Scott in front of a bus suddenly seemed a requirement after I met his wife. Although we had sailed together on the same ship for years, endured the same struggles, and shared cigars at the ends of the Earth, terminating his existence seemed like a very good idea. Scott had married far beyond his desserts and in order to restore the balance of justice in the universe it was necessary for me to wed his widow. In the end, of course, I did not carry out this justifiable homicide. In the first place the clever bastard never got near public transportation while I was around him again. In the second place, arranging for twenty more buses to take out the suitors lined up around the block to comfort the widow with diamond spangled jewelry was beyond my logistical capacity. Finally, if the lady in question ever found out my involvement with Scott's demise, she was perfectly capable of exacting an epically gruesome revenge for years.

Denied the circumstances that would allow me to murderously show my respects to the lady, I waited until I could find someone of her caliber for myself; which I did nine years ago. Although a civilian at the time, before we got married she accepted that I might return to military with the assurance that she supported me in anything I felt important enough to do. This week I wrote an article and was startled to discover that more women of such exceptional character were out there and they even agreed with me on a potentially very contentious subject. It turns out that real ladies are not threatened by men's magazines. When their husbands are gone; clean, safe and lonely sex is not a problem. When their husbands are home; the dirty magazines just can't compete.

These ladies refuted the folly and small mindedness of others who apparently view all nude imagery as sexual slavery and other routine biological functions as harmful addictions. Apparently it is offensive to some people that healthy young people are attracted to the sight of healthy young people and because of this it is necessary to outlaw biology. Their religious views are the paramount matter of importance in the military and the possibility that they could find something offensive in the military exchanges was of greater significance than any possible comfort provided by offensive publications.

As a long service veteran, allow me to assure everyone who reads this that there are really important things to do when you are fighting two wars at the same time. Attending to the vaporous complaints of non-combatant busybodies intruding into the private lives of the troops is not important, which probably explains why it is being handled by officious congressional aides. That real service wives are stepping forward and speaking out against this incredibly bad legislation reassures me that priceless gems still abound.

Ladies, I salute you for your courage, forbearance, forgiveness, and decency in supporting the troops in what they need to get by. Thank you for supporting and understanding your husbands in all things and sharing your wonderful existence. Just remember to keep your men away from rampaging city buses, because single troops know your worth.

Update: I just talked to Scott, unsurprisingly he still is married to his gem and she still supports him.

Posted by Patrick S Lasswell at 01:55 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

About the closest I ever came to killing anybody during my military service was during a locker inspection when an officer purposefully degraded my personal gear under the auspices of “health and comfort.” Normally your locker was your own, but every once in a while some idiot would bring drugs back to the ship and the “health and comfort” inspection would follow. As a rule court martials would throw out evidence gathered at these extremely suspect evolutions, but it did serve the purpose of keeping stupid sailors honest and hiding their weed in the ventilation ducting.

I have never done drugs and the officer in question was not looking for contraband. He was deliberately demeaning me because he had the opportunity to do so. He was a sawed off little twerp who was forgetting about the responsibility to lead and was engaging in some kind of petty mind game. It filtered back to him through diverse ways that his conduct was beyond the pale and would not be accepted in the future. I stood by and let him mockingly go through every item of my personal possession without incident. My shipmates stood by me to the extent they could, equally shocked that this officer would so forget himself to take the attitude he did. Eighteen years later it still raises my blood pressure.

Amongst the worst things this commissioned short man's syndrome did was comment at length about my collection of men's magazines and examine them page by page. Now Congressmen Broun of Georgia wants to do the same kind of thing for the entire military by labeling us perverts for purchasing Playboy at the exchange.

When I raised my hand to join the military I openly swore to obedience, even from from malicious shrimps appointed over me. I accepted a fairly substantial amount of poverty as part of my service; the pay rates were pretty clearly written. But I never swore to chastity, and it seems beyond the pale for this Congressman to ask it of me in word, thought, and men's magazine. Congressman Broun's aides describe him as an “addictionologist” and qualified to pass judgment on the sexuality of the entire US military. Has anybody ever checked the good doctor for obsessional intrusiveness?

Part of military service is forgoing a substantial amount of sexual activity. We are often isolated geographically from people with whom we can form healthy relationships. Even when we are at home, the requirements of the service often occupy us in eighteen-hour days and seven day weeks for months on end. For junior service members it is difficult to attract a wife with the explanation that as a couple you will probably have to go on food stamps when a child comes along. It is difficult to imagine one thing we need less than an “addictionologist” putting one more barrier to clean, safe, and lonely sexual release.

If the good doctor is so worried about harmful addictive masturbation, why doesn't he focus his attention on earmarks?

Posted by Patrick S Lasswell at 03:38 PM | Permalink | Comments (56)

When satellites are shown the size of Scotland, space looks very crowded! The folks at Pajamas Media linked to a Telegraph story purporting to map out all the “space junk”. Regrettably the European Space Agency diagram shows all the satellites, it just does so entirely out of scale. In case you haven't been following the latest developments in space, humans haven't actually lofted any satellites with surface area comparable to Scotland. In fact all of the satellites in orbit today would probably fit side by side with room to maneuver in an average Wal-Mart parking lot. They would rattle around a major stadium's parking. In case you haven't done the math the orbits around the earth are bigger than the surface area of the earth, which is itself larger than a Wal-Mart parking (although just after Thanksgiving this may not appear to be true).

In addition to the scale issue the Telegraph author presented the diagram of all the satellites in a way that indicated that they were all “Space Junk”. In fact the bulk of space junk is clustered around the Near Earth Orbits that require more onboard fuel to resist drag caused by the upper fringes of the atmosphere. When the low flying satellites run out of fuel, they slowly wind down and become “junk”. These satellites are thrown away because it is cheaper to put them into orbit with extra fuel than it is to build a refueling capacity in, send up additional tanker satellites, match orbits, and then de-orbit the tanker. Most of the satellites in the diagram are in and around high geostationary orbit that are much more stable and less likely to become junk.

Who is Paul Eccleston and why does he hate satellites?

Update: Thanks to Kate for the SDA-lanche

Posted by Patrick S Lasswell at 01:47 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

After years of building the brightest LED flashlight adapter, I was able to convince my friend Mike Boyd to try something else, but I had no idea that it would result in the world's first Zombie-Proof LED light. My idea for a simple cup machined out of aluminum and covered with polycarbonate plastic sparked his interest and convinced him to try a new product. Mike designed the circuit board and contracted out the machining of the cup. I went to a local plastics place for the polycarbonate window and got the other hardware.

The design was not intended as zombie protection from the beginning. Mostly it was the result of two engineering types tired of lights that failed for one reason or another. Since material to build a sturdy light was available, we built it sturdy. Round stock 6061 Aluminum was the source of the aluminum that works as a housing and an integral heat sink. The front window is 3/8” polycarbonate plastic, strong enough to stop a bullet, just because we hate building things that can break. No zombie has ever been able to crack the case on this light, and we very much doubt any ever will. The light is even strong enough to shrug a little buckshot when the undead are too close for precise targeting; the round case shoulders soft lead aside much better than square lights will.

For when you are not under actual attack from zombies, this is also a very nice light for other purposes. Very efficient Luxeon (c) brand LEDs make this light able to run on little power, so it is much better for camping than any flickering florescent lantern. It is also available for homes and business under threat of something really scary: out of control regulators and lawmakers. This light is more green than any mercury filled compact florescent, and comes in a variety of colors including three shades of white. In fact, if a perfect lighting color for your workplace is more important than fighting off walking corpses we can accommodate you with custom color balancing. So now you can save the planet while being tastefully lit and protected from zombie hordes.

Update: Also, the LightBiscuit is available in Ultra Violet and Infra-Red (UV-IR), but for UV the window is replaced with a crystal to reduce transmission loss over time. Good UV breaks down long chain molecules like polycarbonate plastic.

Note: No zombies were harmed in the development of the LightBiscuit or any other InReTECH.net product. InReTECH.net does not admit the existence of zombies or advocate attempts to raise the dead, even for conversational purposes. InReTECH.net makes no guarantee of your personal survival in the event of a zombie attack. LED lighting, no matter how incredibly cool, is not a replacement for an actual emergency plan.

Update:
Thanks again to Kate for the SDA-lanche
Welcome to the Canadian Gun Nutz forum denizens, please take a look around and enjoy. In delicious bit of irony, I'm spending this weekend pitching this light at a Gun Show! Please feel free to drop a note in the comments section if you have any questions.

Posted by Patrick S Lasswell at 07:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Things Your Team Needs: Equipment Storage Organizers

What is it? Baker's Racks Wire Shelving (industrial)

What does it do? Holds gear off the ground (or floor) away from pests and excessive stacking loads.

Why do we need it? Metal wire racks allows air to circulate. Baker's racks are sturdy enough to withstand shipment in ISU-90 boxes while keeping cased gear separate. Allows seabags to be stored so that each is accessible and spoilage is minimized. Assembles quickly with minimal training. Available casters allow entire rack to be moved while loaded. Industrial wire shelving holds substantial loads that residential grade product does not. Allows fire fighting sprinklers and hoses access.

Where can we get it? Material handling equipment vendors. F.E. Bennet Company. http://www.febennett.com/ (NOT Costco, Home Depot, Lowes)

What kind should we get? Square Post Open Wire Shelving. Available in a broad variety of sizes. For heavy loads, use smaller shelves with more posts to better distribute load to the floor. http://www.p4i.com/ecommerce/eComm?template=iCatalog/0158&cust_no=110286&ship_no=-1&user_id=

GSA Contract, Part or Stock Numbers? various

How much does it cost? $6-10 per square foot of shelving, not less than $200 for a full sized rack.

Why is this better than what is issued? Open purchased wire shelving will fit the unit requirements much better than issued or salvaged wire shelving will. Expensive shelving that works will protect gear much better than cheap shelving that fails.

What stupid things will be done with it? Overloading. Loading jagged objects directly on wires causing breakage of racks or gear. Loaded into metal floor shipping containers without plywood dunnage to protect floor. Left unsecured to walls and shipped where tipping is possible. Loaded with wet gear and not dried for months. Purchase home use instead of industrial shelving. Assembled badly.

Additional supplies needed? Plywood dunnage for loading into ISU-90 boxes or other containers. Dead-blow plastic hammer for setting shelves. Spare sleeves.

Patrick S Lasswell is a member of the Inactive Ready Reserve and would be happy to help your unit get the best equipment for its mission. Contact him at pslblog (at) gmail (dot) com. He will be happy to accept your gratitude in the form of unpaid drill credits. Persons willing to donate money will not be turned away.

Posted by Patrick S Lasswell at 05:28 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Things Your Team Needs: Equipment Modification Tools

What is it? Grommet Kit

What does it do? Adds a reinforced hole.

Why do we need it? Grommets let the team rapidly customize standard items for optimum use. Grommets on drying towels allow them to be hooked and clipped for ready use. Grommets added to tarps help hold over gear exactly to better keep weather out. Repairs torn-out and worn out grommets. Grommets added to laminated sheets allow documents to be securely held in place.

Where can we get it? W.C. Winks Hardware http://www.winkshardware.com/

What kind should we get? C. S. Osborne Grommet Kit No. 235 Size 2 (3/8”) Nickel Grommets for non-tactical use. Kit comes with brass grommets for non-field use. Tactical (blackened brass) grommets are available, will update when found.

GSA Contract, Part or Stock Numbers? No. 235 Size 2

How much does it cost? $30

Why is this better than what is issued? Ordering entire kit and correct sized additional grommets from professional hardware clerks at open source more certain to deliver needed product than finding same thing in stock system. For occasional use, a simple kit is more useful than the massive purchase oriented stock system. It is easier and more efficient to fill out one open purchase than seven 1250's.

What stupid things will be done with it? Unauthorized uniform accessorizing. Operating the kit incorrectly. Placing shiny nickel grommets on tactical gear.

Additional supplies needed? Mallet. Replacement (nickel) grommets.

Patrick S Lasswell is a member of the Inactive Ready Reserve and would be happy to help your unit get the best equipment for its mission. Contact him at pslblog (at) gmail (dot) com. He will be happy to accept your gratitude in the form of unpaid drill credits. Persons willing to donate money will not be turned away.

Posted by Patrick S Lasswell at 05:23 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Things Your Team Needs: Reusable Maintenance Towels

What is it? Wiping Towels

What does it do? Dries and clears gear from the field before storage.

Why do we need it? Gear stored wet and dirty mildews, corrodes, and fails. Gear stored dry and clean lasts longer and works better. Waterproof containers like Pelican Cases keep moisture in as well as out. At the end of exercises and operations in the field, time for proper maintenance and dehumidification is generally not available. The presence of a large number of drying towels, stored in their own waterproof container will allow tired team members to quickly clean and dry gear as it is being stored. Dirty wiping towels can be washed, dried and re-used.

Where can we get it? Auto supply stores and truck stops. Costco.

What kind should we get? White terry-cloth if tactical requirements permit.

GSA Contract, Part or Stock Numbers? Various

How much does it cost? Less than $1 per towel in bulk

Why is this better than what is issued? Informal maintenance, like drying gear before storing, increases team cohesion and mentoring. In many instances, before feedback can make it through the formal maintenance bureaucracy, new gear will be issued. Towels are more absorbent than rags and more reusable.

What stupid things will be done with it? Mechanics will wipe up grease. Washing dirty towels will be assigned as a punishment and neglected. Towel fights.

Additional supplies needed? Grommets. Mesh bag to hold wet/dirty towels for washing after use.

Patrick S Lasswell is a member of the Inactive Ready Reserve and would be happy to help your unit get the best equipment for its mission. Contact him at pslblog (at) gmail (dot) com. He will be happy to accept your gratitude in the form of unpaid drill credits. Persons willing to donate money will not be turned away.

Posted by Patrick S Lasswell at 05:08 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Things Your Team Needs: Stackable Equipment Cases

What is it? Pelican Cases

What does it do? Organizes and stores equipment in rolling, waterproof, shock resistant, stackable, and durable packages.

Why do we need it? Old, heavy, breaking, broken, and irregular packing cases cost time, effort, and energy, complicating logistics. The Pelican case lid securing clasps are intuitive and do not tear uniforms or gouge people. New cases allow opportunity to reorganize to meet your team's current requirement and throw out old junk.

Where can we get it? Directly from manufacturer. http://pelican.com/home.php

What kind should we get? The 1610, 1620, 1650, and 1660 cases should be purchased in quantity. Having a selection of cases allows your team to loadout according to their needs instead of the available boxes.

GSA Contract, Part or Stock Numbers? GSA# GS-07F-0214J
Case #1610: NSN # 6760-01-491-2807 (smaller for heavy items like books)
Case #1620: NSN # 6760-01-491-2816 (holds up to six PRC-117 radios)
Case #1650: NSN # 6760-01-491-2821 (useful for electronic test equipment)
Case #1660: NSN # 6760-01-500-9632 (large for bulky items like printers)
Case #1750: NSN # 6760-01-491-2838 (for tripods and rifles)

How much does it cost? Cheaper than you think or I can post for military. Worth every penny for civilians.

Why is this better than what is issued? Most equipment and gear is stored in random collections of old boxes inherited from other units. Most of these boxes require external support or many hands to move. Wheeled Pelican cases can safely be moved by a small number of people. The cases are designed to be stacked with each other. Sensitive items can be shipped commercially in locked Pelican cases.

What stupid things will be done with it? Overloading. Failure to stencil (or mark with paint pens) will cause lost and stolen boxes. Identical boxes subject to confusion when packed together in large numbers. Gear packed wet will mildew when allowed to sit inside waterproof cases.

Additional supplies needed? Set of dry wiping towels for cleaning gear before long term storage. Paint pens for marking cases. TSA locks. Sensitive material locks.

Note : Retired General Peter Pace, former Chairman Joint Chiefs of Staff recently joined Pelican Case as its new CEO. It is good to find a company that gives veterans a chance.