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« Harmful Addictive Masturbation | Main | Portland May Day 2008: Kinda Tired »

April 27, 2008

Rampaging City Buses

-Patrick S Lasswell

Pushing my good friend Scott in front of a bus suddenly seemed a requirement after I met his wife. Although we had sailed together on the same ship for years, endured the same struggles, and shared cigars at the ends of the Earth, terminating his existence seemed like a very good idea. Scott had married far beyond his desserts and in order to restore the balance of justice in the universe it was necessary for me to wed his widow. In the end, of course, I did not carry out this justifiable homicide. In the first place the clever bastard never got near public transportation while I was around him again. In the second place, arranging for twenty more buses to take out the suitors lined up around the block to comfort the widow with diamond spangled jewelry was beyond my logistical capacity. Finally, if the lady in question ever found out my involvement with Scott's demise, she was perfectly capable of exacting an epically gruesome revenge for years.

Denied the circumstances that would allow me to murderously show my respects to the lady, I waited until I could find someone of her caliber for myself; which I did nine years ago. Although a civilian at the time, before we got married she accepted that I might return to military with the assurance that she supported me in anything I felt important enough to do. This week I wrote an article and was startled to discover that more women of such exceptional character were out there and they even agreed with me on a potentially very contentious subject. It turns out that real ladies are not threatened by men's magazines. When their husbands are gone; clean, safe and lonely sex is not a problem. When their husbands are home; the dirty magazines just can't compete.

These ladies refuted the folly and small mindedness of others who apparently view all nude imagery as sexual slavery and other routine biological functions as harmful addictions. Apparently it is offensive to some people that healthy young people are attracted to the sight of healthy young people and because of this it is necessary to outlaw biology. Their religious views are the paramount matter of importance in the military and the possibility that they could find something offensive in the military exchanges was of greater significance than any possible comfort provided by offensive publications.

As a long service veteran, allow me to assure everyone who reads this that there are really important things to do when you are fighting two wars at the same time. Attending to the vaporous complaints of non-combatant busybodies intruding into the private lives of the troops is not important, which probably explains why it is being handled by officious congressional aides. That real service wives are stepping forward and speaking out against this incredibly bad legislation reassures me that priceless gems still abound.

Ladies, I salute you for your courage, forbearance, forgiveness, and decency in supporting the troops in what they need to get by. Thank you for supporting and understanding your husbands in all things and sharing your wonderful existence. Just remember to keep your men away from rampaging city buses, because single troops know your worth.

Update: I just talked to Scott, unsurprisingly he still is married to his gem and she still supports him.


You are a funny bastid! If you don't cut this out, I will need to ride in a convertible as the Favorite Naval Consort suggests.

Also, thanks for the link to Rachel, that was some good stuff!

Thanks, Patrick.

I get so very irritated by so many of the extreme busy bodies who use religion as an excuse to boss people around.

And darn it, Congress should worry about important things, like lowering our taxes!

The problem in question is not the fact you debated pushing him in front of a moving object but rather the fact you chose a bus.

Had you, in fact chosen a smaller vehicle such a an AMC Gremlin, or Plymouth Fury you would have found yourself much more agreeable to the idea and thereby not as responsibile for the guilt of holding his widowed brides hand in consolement ;)

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