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September 22, 2008

From Obama Girl to Osmethe Rants

-Patrick S Lasswell

Since when are primal screams “Presidential?”

In little over a year we've seen Barack Obama's supporters and friends go from the delightfully salacious “Obama Girl” to Osmethne rants like this:

Every white woman I know is positively horrified.”

“Wait, that's not exactly true. It's more accurate to say that every thoughtful or liberal or intuitive or open-minded white woman I know worth her vagina monologue and her self-determination and two centuries of nonstop striving for equal rights and sexual freedom and exhaustive patriarchal unshackling is right now openly horrified, appalled at what the addition of shrill PTA hockey-mom Sarah Palin seems to have done for the soggy, comatose McCain campaign — that is, make it not merely remotely interesting and melodramatic, but aggressively hostile to, well, to all intelligent women everywhere.”


While I'm certain that the Ndebele tribe** in Zimbabwe has intelligent women, I rather doubt they are feeling a vice-like squeeze on their liberties and aspirations from the McCain-Palin campaign in Africa; at least in comparison to the grinding poverty and political oppression that Robert Mugabe's policies bring. Real people have real problems, and it appears that a lot of Barack Obama's supporters have real difficulty managing stress, confrontation, fact, perspective, and coherence. While I'm sure any number of McCain-PALIN! supporters have similar issues, they aren't the ones screaming like their hair is on fire all the time these days.

This election is not the end of the world. There are going to be difficult and perilous times ahead, regardless of who gets elected. Regrettably, one side in this election is making their candidate appear like he couldn't manage the stress of leadership in an online role-playing game, and they couldn't handle the stress of followership.

If Barack Obama wants to be serious about leading this country, he should take some time to start leading his supporters. Right now his campaign's efforts to “energize the base” look a lot more like they are trying to stampede cattle. While that is certainly exciting in a number of ways, it doesn't get you elected with a sustainable mandate.

Note: I created this blog to be more of a consultant's diary and less of a political opinion swamp. I consider this to be good management advice for the Obama campaign and its followers. While I'm certain it will be rancorously accepted, it is not offered with any hostility. Put down the cattle prods and look around. You have nothing to lose but the bullshit on your shoes.

*Second Note: I really wish this was a satire, but Mark Morford got paid money by a large media organization to lose his mind on print. Nobody at the San Francisco Chronicle editorial board looked up and stopped this from getting published.

**Third Note: I picked the Ndebele tribe in Zimbabwe with Robert Mugabe at random, please insert any of the following if it clears your head and helps you function: B'hai women in Iran with Ahmadinejad; Korean women in North Korea with Kim Jong Il, Miss Scalett in the Conservatory with Professor Plum.

September 06, 2008

Dismiss a Sarah Palin Smear First!

-Patrick S Lasswell

Why wait for the media to come up with new smears? Let's create new smear dismissals before the smears make it to the press. Post your smear in comments in the form of a dismissal. Keep it clean(ish). Make it at least as plausible as the real smears (OK, low bar, but...).

1. No, Sarah Palin did not have a torrid love affair with GEN Petraeus while she was in Kuwait visiting AKNG troops.
2. No, Sarah Palin did not pull Saddam out of his spider hole while she was in Kuwait visiting AKNG troops.
3. No, Sarah Palin did not offer mooseburger (or USS Moosebrugger DD-980) to Kuwaiti sheiks while she was visiting AKNG troops.
4. No, Sarah Palin did not offer her services as a “dance hall girl” during the Klondike gold rush or the building of the Alaska pipeline.
5. No, Sarah Palin did not set any out-of-favor members of the Wasilla or Alaska government adrift on an ice floe to preserve the remainder of the tribe. (She might have thought about it from time to time.)
6. No, Sarah Palin is not Cher’s new stage name.
7. No, Sarah Palin did not kill a camel spider with her teeth while in Kuwait visiting AKNG troops.
8. No, Todd Palin did not father any of the Spears girls' children.
9. No, Sarah Palin did not agree to jello wrestle Oprah on the David Letterman Show, although the fruit baskets Dave sent were magnificent.
10. No, Sarah Palin does not volunteer to serve as the Alaska state executioner to break up the long winter nights. (That's what she has Todd for.)
11. No, Sarah Palin did not “kilt her a b'ar when she was only three.” (Rumors of her mother holding her up as an infant on Pride Rock to accept the fealty of all the animals have no video evidence to dismiss it.)
12. No, Sarah Palin did not hunt down and kill everybody with a picture of her in a bikini from her pageant days. (Most people destroyed the negatives of their own free will after the disappearances started.)
13. No, Sarah Palin did not hold her first gubernatorial fund raiser at William Ayers house. (She also did not give him or Bernadette Dorn advice or aid in the Pentagon bombing. After all she was only 4 at the time.) Contributed by Kleindo.
14. No, Sarah and Todd did not become estranged between 2002-2006, causing her to follow Todd to L.A. for a reconciliation where a series of hair raising explosions led her to throw Hans Gruber off the thirty-second floor of the Nakatomi Towers. Nevertheless, actor Alan RIckman loathes her.
15. No, Sarah Palin is not tougher than Chuck Norris or a better fighter. Sarah Palin is just a better politician.
16. No, when Sarah Palin stares at the sun, the sun does not blink. The zero count of sunspots in the last month is proof of that.
17. No, Sarah Palin does not wear the skins of Hollywood liberals. (The plastic content caused unsightly chafing.)
18. No, Sarah Palin did not receive Botox injections. (She head butted Nancy Pelosi so hard that there was unavoidable transference.)
19. No, Sarah Palin is not having Bigfoot's baby. (though Charlie Gibson is sure to ask) Contributed by AVMAKO.
20. No, gazing directly into Sarah Palin's face will not cause you to turn to stone. Contributed by jpl
21. No, Govenor Palin did not field dress the creep at the Daily Kos who concocted the ridiculous rumor about Trig ... she thought about it, though. Contributed by jpl
22. No, Sarah Palin did not ask what the hunting season for camenbert was when she was first served camenbert appetizers at a lobbyist event, nor did she compare one to her father's brown bear burgers. Contributed by FrancisT
23. No, Sarah Palin does not shoot squirrels or rabbits with a Barrett 0.50 sniper rifle, she uses a 12-guage shotgun. Contributed by FrancisT Editor's note: Many squirrels and rabbits turn themselves in upon discovering that Sarah is hunting for them.
24. No, Sarah Palin has never claimed that Global Warming is God's punishment for tolerating gay sex and other immoral lifestyles. Contributed by FrancisT Editor's note: Sarah Palin is from Alaska, why would she think Global Warming is a punishment for ANYTHING?
25. No, Sarah Palin has never shot a lawyer in the face while hunting. As an experienced Alaskan big game hunter, she knows the value of the heart-lung shot to get the animal to bleed out to improve the quality of the meat.
26. No, Sarah Palin does not have a tattoo of a moose to commemorate her first hunt.
27. No, Sarah Palin has not been cruising Anchorage tattoo shops looking for somebody who can do a good Ahmadinejad likeness.
28. No, the FDA is not planning on approving "Vitamin Palin" for seniors. Test results show that 50% of all senior men develop "unforced gaffe disorder" when provided with Vitamin Palin.
29. No, Sarah Palin did not sign legislation to increase oil production and consumption to hasten climate change in a bid to enhance Alaska tourism by making it the new "carribean" hot spot. Contributed by Dave
30. No, Sarah Palin is not a Sith Lord. Contributed by Ziotic
31. No, Sarah Palin did not cancel Firefly. Contributed by Ziotic
32. No, Sarah Palin is not River Tam. It is worth noting no Reavers survived attacking Wassila while she lived there, though.
33. No, Wasilla is not pronounced with a trailing "eee" sound in native Alaskan, and No, that was not the cause of Obama's gaffe when he called Palin "the Mayor of Way Silly."Contributed by Dave
34. No, Sarah Palin did not attempt to ban "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire" four years before it was published. Even if my own brother sends me an email claiming she did!
35. No, Sarah Palin did not sneak into North Korea to give Kim Jong Il a "hot shot" of insulin in 2003 so he would be replaced by a double. Rumors of a ninja-suited figure with heels have not been substantiated. Contributed by the one true SMOF by email
36. No, Sarah Palin didn't say she BELIEVED life begins at conception, but it's okay to abort it anyway. That was JOE BIDEN. Contributed by Original Pechanga
37. No, Sarah Palin does not nail the hides of old friends who disappoint her on her office wall. She just fires them.
38. No, Sara Palin did not tell corrupt officials in her state to "Go ahead, make my day" while pointing her .375 H&H rifle at them.
39. No, she's not a member of the Illuminati. Contributed by ginmar
40. No, here real son is not actually Prince William. Contributed by ginmar
41. No, she's a secret lesbian who wields some sadistic power over her husband. Contributed by ginmar
42. No, her husband does not have a thing for moose. Contributed by ginmar
43. No, she's not governor in name only. No, she does not have an advisor who's a grizzly. Contributed by ginmar
44. No, she's not Russian. Contributed by ginmar
45. No, she's not John McCain's daughter. Contributed by ginmar
46. No, she was never a prostitute. No, she does not have a 'black book.' Contributed by ginmar
47. No, she didn't kill Vince Foster. Contributed by ginmar
48. No, she does not own stock in the National Enquirer. Contributed by ginmar
49. No, Sarah Palin did not spend her college days playing heads-up NL Poker with the Unabomber. Contributed by horn
50. No, Sarah Palin is not a supreme being sent here by the Mondoshawan to operate an ancient weapon to protect the earth from the ultimate evil. Nevertheless, actor Bruce Willis likes her a lot.
51. No, there are no pictures of Sarah Palin wearing "thermal bandages".
52. No, Sarah Palin has never been a Scientologist. They found her too secure.

Thanks to Hugh Hewitt and Charlie Martin for their links.

Please share your preemptive dismissals in comments. (Of course I'm going to screen them.)

Sorry, spambot attacks closed comments on this thread.

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